Half of Me in Black

maybe i was imagining things, or maybe i’m tired – the effect of having to sleep only an hour a day. Or maybe, I found it funny to hear everybody else define Happiness as bonus checks, gift certificates, free jackets and preserves this Christmas. They call today as Happiness Day.

Yep, I received my first bonus check. A few thousands. I also had a bag full of chips, nuts, crackers, and all other preserves. I was given a free jacket with the company logo on it. It was a nice one really – with a black utility handbag. I must not forget the gift certificates we can use all-year round.

And there was this man who kept going around the office asking people how big their bonuses are. I really don’t get the idea of having to know those and maybe compare with his.

Everybody was excited to go home. Put their share of sausages in the fridge, and ponder all night long of how splendid this day was.

But i really don’t understand why i feel this way. I am here in a place where everyone works for money, for splendid things.  Every one works to spend more.

I had a stroll in Ayala by myself, trying to find the best-fit costume I can have for Christmas.  I was never this way before. When I got a glance of that beautiful Jovanni bag, which costs around a thousand, that silvery 3-inch stiletto that goes well with red-painted newly pedicured toenails, or that black totes in which i can throw in all the stuff I’ll need for the day. I kept telling myself how can i afford all these things? I was dying to dive my fingers into my wallet and spend my plane fare on my new-found fancy. And I ended up telling my self “If I could only earn a few thousands more, my life will be perfect.” The effect of having to receive my first pay.

And so I thought it was. I went here to grab the chance of having to work in a real IT business. I grew up simple. My parents can only afford 3 meals a day. Days before, I funded myself in my education just to graduate with a decent degree. I left everything important to me at home.  All because I want a better life – in exchange of everything dear to me.

When I first received my first bonus check, I realized there was no happiness in that small piece of paper. The bag of deli was really heavy but it doesn’t contain anything that made me say I am happy because I have it. The jacket was warm to the skin, but it wasn’t warm enough to make me at peace. And this is what they call happiness!

I can still recall how I can make my father smile and giggle when I try to wrestle him, how I surprise my mom everytime she’s asleep. How I would wake up my brother by tickling him. My sister would scream everytime I chase her. I miss the only person who can kiss me in the lips and tell me how much he loves me over and over again. I miss the bestfriends I had whose hands I can hold on to when I need someone. The people who can tell apart the Cathy who’s angry from the calm one even in silence. The people who can hear my thoughts and understand me even without saying a thing. The people who tries to piss me off but makes me end up laughing. The people who always tell me how boyish I am, but still treats me like a princess.

It was a beautiful life way back then way, before when I still haven’t received this small piece of paper they call HAPPINESS…

One of the reasons why I hate having “girls” as bestfriends is that they’re too sensitive. Where have all the rationale gone? Just this morning, my “bestfriend” came late.  We had a chat.  Told me that I was the one who was always calling us BESTFRIEND. And she expected I would ask her why she was late. Enclosed the word ‘friend’ and ‘bestfriend’ in double quotes. What would that imply? That she’s disappointed with me why I haven’t ask her the reasons why she came in late.

There are only a few girlfriends whom I can relate to.  I guess I’m not just into super sensitive, irrational people.

I can’t even believe myself that I’m getting pissed off with this one. With just one petty reason. She ruined my day.

Secondly,  I had enough of trying to be my best for this guy who seems to not giving me any importance at all. He would talk to me if he feels he wants to. Ignores my messages if he doesn’t feel like it. He got angry with me just because I forgot to delete his pictures in Facebook. And he treated me coldly just because of it and started to ignore me. When he was angry with what I said, he disappeared for at least three weeks before he even had the thought of talking to me. Unless I swallow my own pride and be the first one to say sorry even if it’s not my fault.

I am getting tired of these all.

I WANT MY OLD FRIENDS BACK………………..

I miss my friends really…

Manoy, Shoks, Pangz, Noli, Eufy, Kuya Matt, Allen…

I really miss you guyz!

PupBoyz ‘07..

Everytime we talk, you’re always hurting me. Everytime I’ve got to say what’s inside my head, all i get is rejection. I hate saying this. But for the first time, I feel kinda dumped. Beaten. That someone like you, whom I least expected to hurt me this way, could actually do this. I don’t know if this is all worth the price to pay..

I don’t to talk to you..

I dont even want to see your face..

I don’t know. Been running around in circles for long. I don’t know where my expectations will take me. But maybe for now, I won’t settle for less. People do come and go. It’s a bittersweet fact, and yet life remains beautiful. What you always have in the end is you and yourself alone. It doesn’t matter where your decisions had taken you. It’s your own choice to face the consequences of your actions. I don’t know what possible extremes could happen with my life. Hahaha. I feel like laughing. It’s ironic. How can you fathom life that’s so intricately woven? Trying to loosen up all the tangles.  And maybe at some point, we’ll realize what should have done, what should have not. I am a bit irate with people who wants everyone to know what’s happening with his life. I told him bluntly that no one would care what his idealogies are, because in the end, he’ll be left alone to appreciate himself. And maybe sometime, I’ll see some of my friends dying. Taking with them all they have worked for six feet under the ground. And someday, I’ll also be in their place inside that ghostly coffin, emotionless. And maybe I’ll be trying to figure out what will become of me, when I am without flesh. When all that I have is my spirit, separated from the materially bound world. And here I am talking without any further thought of what my next sentence should be. Hahaha. Just plain simple. Draining thoughts stucked in my head. I’ve dreamed many times of people trying to get rid of me. Pretty scary! But maybe those gave me a glimpse of what it is like when you’re running for your life. And then I ask my self, what is there to save when you’ll lose everything you have when you reach your ultimate end.

RANTS

I just came from the other campus when I arrived at the Main Premises. The dean saw me and he started chattering about his idea of organizing a chorale for the coming competition this December 8. He was asking me of who the probable participants are, or if this activity could even be possible over two weeks time. Yeah! So much for a breather.

This morning, I realized I have a lot of things to do and I needed to breath fresh air before I even lose my sanity. Tomorrow’s the ITE Forum as I knew but we haven’t formulated plans yet for the SITES. Then a week from now will be the ITE nyt but we’re really having problems bout the venue. Heck! Poor Bert! He’s getting too stressed out with this, and so is everybody. As if we’re hoping for a miracle to let things happen the way it supposed to. December 17 is our first deadline of our thesis prototype and heck, our system always bugs down. I wonder how we’ll all survive this semester’s hell!!

Anyway, I’m still working out how I could possibly make all the news writers and contributors submit all that needs to be done for the December issue. huhuhuh.. Because of this too much busy-ness, i forgot to make my assignments this week. Yeah! I was fifteen minutes late in my class this morning just to make a one-page homework that was supposed to be done last week-end. A week from now will be also be our quiz show. Still not that confident yet.

I’ve been to busy with my own world lately that I don’t even know how I’ll manage to get through all these. Family problems, financial problems, school problems, pressure, tension, stress - countless maybe. Yeah! I know everyone’s having their own share of problems, and I’m really used to these. But sometimes, i just want to shout out to to the whole world that I’m giving up. I just want to sleep at night without having to worry anything that might happen the following day.

I always tell my hubby I want to step out of school soon – to graduate. Life seems to be easier when you’re not pressured in keeping up with your responsibilites. When I didn’t make it to the PHILNITS Exams, there is this tiny voice in me that shouts “Hooray”. Maybe I’m a bit of a twerp because who would not want to pass that kind of exam, when after passing it, you’ll be insured of a stable job abroad? The voice in me tells that people out there should realize that I am not at all a genius who can keep up with their expectations that easily. There is the drive that I really want to make it as a passer, but I wasn’t able to.. Maybe this is who i am.. I am not at all PERFECT..

GOODY-GOODY

So much for all the rants. There are still people out there who makes my day a little bit brighter. I visited the office this afternoon and Mr.Dean just told me that I’m getting a bit prettier – or rather beautiful. That was a nice compliment. He got a little bit nosey of what the reason might be.

Hehehe.. Maybe because there is this one person out there who has that perfect blend of keeping my sanity at bay.. When I think I need a BREATHE OF FRESH AIR, I always run to him. I always look forward to our week-ends when I could finally take a break from the stressful work and spend my time for fun alone with him – this is only the chance we’ve got to talk seriously about anything. Today, I felt like I’m going to lose my brains any minute so I thought having him around for just an hour would do the job of reviving me back to my old jolly self. (Talking about physical and emotional dependence!!) I am always amazed by his boldness. I really wouldn’t mind if we’re talking about the usual stuff we talk about. I just really need his presence to assure me that everything will fall into its right place any time soon.

It was way back high school when I first fell for someone. Loving him for almost four years was not easy. After many times of rejection and his ‘pamumulsa’, he eventually realized that he needed me now. When the time came that I’ve finally forgotten him, he came back and tried to win me. But after more than three years of waiting, I told him it had long been over.

In first year college, I met someone again, and he made me see that I can love again the second time around. Everything was so perfect – he loved me, i loved him. But he cannot take the pressure of keeping up with me. He told me lies just to make me realize that he’s no good to me. Although I appreciate the kind of concern he had for me, it could have been a lot easier for me to move on from the pain if he had been more honest. Now that we are the best friends, promises of us being together again is now gone. It will never be us again.

And now, falling the third time around is a feeling I had long been forgotten. I never thought I could possibly feel it in a person who just used to walk past me every morning; in him who would not care if I walk through the door in late afternoons. Thank you for coming into my life. And after a couple of years of a dead love story, it had started again with you. You’re now mine, I’m yours…

sad.. happy

afraid.. gutsy..

hopeless, confident..

don’t know what i should feel..

caught in between turning points..

SIGHS!!!!