Half of Me in Black

I miss my friends really…

Manoy, Shoks, Pangz, Noli, Eufy, Kuya Matt, Allen…

I really miss you guyz!

PupBoyz ‘07..

Everytime we talk, you’re always hurting me. Everytime I’ve got to say what’s inside my head, all i get is rejection. I hate saying this. But for the first time, I feel kinda dumped. Beaten. That someone like you, whom I least expected to hurt me this way, could actually do this. I don’t know if this is all worth the price to pay..

I don’t to talk to you..

I dont even want to see your face..

I don’t know. Been running around in circles for long. I don’t know where my expectations will take me. But maybe for now, I won’t settle for less. People do come and go. It’s a bittersweet fact, and yet life remains beautiful. What you always have in the end is you and yourself alone. It doesn’t matter where your decisions had taken you. It’s your own choice to face the consequences of your actions. I don’t know what possible extremes could happen with my life. Hahaha. I feel like laughing. It’s ironic. How can you fathom life that’s so intricately woven? Trying to loosen up all the tangles.  And maybe at some point, we’ll realize what should have done, what should have not. I am a bit irate with people who wants everyone to know what’s happening with his life. I told him bluntly that no one would care what his idealogies are, because in the end, he’ll be left alone to appreciate himself. And maybe sometime, I’ll see some of my friends dying. Taking with them all they have worked for six feet under the ground. And someday, I’ll also be in their place inside that ghostly coffin, emotionless. And maybe I’ll be trying to figure out what will become of me, when I am without flesh. When all that I have is my spirit, separated from the materially bound world. And here I am talking without any further thought of what my next sentence should be. Hahaha. Just plain simple. Draining thoughts stucked in my head. I’ve dreamed many times of people trying to get rid of me. Pretty scary! But maybe those gave me a glimpse of what it is like when you’re running for your life. And then I ask my self, what is there to save when you’ll lose everything you have when you reach your ultimate end.

RANTS

I just came from the other campus when I arrived at the Main Premises. The dean saw me and he started chattering about his idea of organizing a chorale for the coming competition this December 8. He was asking me of who the probable participants are, or if this activity could even be possible over two weeks time. Yeah! So much for a breather.

This morning, I realized I have a lot of things to do and I needed to breath fresh air before I even lose my sanity. Tomorrow’s the ITE Forum as I knew but we haven’t formulated plans yet for the SITES. Then a week from now will be the ITE nyt but we’re really having problems bout the venue. Heck! Poor Bert! He’s getting too stressed out with this, and so is everybody. As if we’re hoping for a miracle to let things happen the way it supposed to. December 17 is our first deadline of our thesis prototype and heck, our system always bugs down. I wonder how we’ll all survive this semester’s hell!!

Anyway, I’m still working out how I could possibly make all the news writers and contributors submit all that needs to be done for the December issue. huhuhuh.. Because of this too much busy-ness, i forgot to make my assignments this week. Yeah! I was fifteen minutes late in my class this morning just to make a one-page homework that was supposed to be done last week-end. A week from now will be also be our quiz show. Still not that confident yet.

I’ve been to busy with my own world lately that I don’t even know how I’ll manage to get through all these. Family problems, financial problems, school problems, pressure, tension, stress - countless maybe. Yeah! I know everyone’s having their own share of problems, and I’m really used to these. But sometimes, i just want to shout out to to the whole world that I’m giving up. I just want to sleep at night without having to worry anything that might happen the following day.

I always tell my hubby I want to step out of school soon – to graduate. Life seems to be easier when you’re not pressured in keeping up with your responsibilites. When I didn’t make it to the PHILNITS Exams, there is this tiny voice in me that shouts “Hooray”. Maybe I’m a bit of a twerp because who would not want to pass that kind of exam, when after passing it, you’ll be insured of a stable job abroad? The voice in me tells that people out there should realize that I am not at all a genius who can keep up with their expectations that easily. There is the drive that I really want to make it as a passer, but I wasn’t able to.. Maybe this is who i am.. I am not at all PERFECT..

GOODY-GOODY

So much for all the rants. There are still people out there who makes my day a little bit brighter. I visited the office this afternoon and Mr.Dean just told me that I’m getting a bit prettier – or rather beautiful. That was a nice compliment. He got a little bit nosey of what the reason might be.

Hehehe.. Maybe because there is this one person out there who has that perfect blend of keeping my sanity at bay.. When I think I need a BREATHE OF FRESH AIR, I always run to him. I always look forward to our week-ends when I could finally take a break from the stressful work and spend my time for fun alone with him – this is only the chance we’ve got to talk seriously about anything. Today, I felt like I’m going to lose my brains any minute so I thought having him around for just an hour would do the job of reviving me back to my old jolly self. (Talking about physical and emotional dependence!!) I am always amazed by his boldness. I really wouldn’t mind if we’re talking about the usual stuff we talk about. I just really need his presence to assure me that everything will fall into its right place any time soon.

It was way back high school when I first fell for someone. Loving him for almost four years was not easy. After many times of rejection and his ‘pamumulsa’, he eventually realized that he needed me now. When the time came that I’ve finally forgotten him, he came back and tried to win me. But after more than three years of waiting, I told him it had long been over.

In first year college, I met someone again, and he made me see that I can love again the second time around. Everything was so perfect – he loved me, i loved him. But he cannot take the pressure of keeping up with me. He told me lies just to make me realize that he’s no good to me. Although I appreciate the kind of concern he had for me, it could have been a lot easier for me to move on from the pain if he had been more honest. Now that we are the best friends, promises of us being together again is now gone. It will never be us again.

And now, falling the third time around is a feeling I had long been forgotten. I never thought I could possibly feel it in a person who just used to walk past me every morning; in him who would not care if I walk through the door in late afternoons. Thank you for coming into my life. And after a couple of years of a dead love story, it had started again with you. You’re now mine, I’m yours…

sad.. happy

afraid.. gutsy..

hopeless, confident..

don’t know what i should feel..

caught in between turning points..

SIGHS!!!!